Every day when I wake up, I check Instagram. Then I look at Twitter to see what the One Directioners are talking about. I check Facebook to see how everybody from high school's doing. I go on Reddit to see what my weirdos are talking about. Then I go on Tumblr to see what my feminists are talking about.
But there's something missing in all this new new media craziness, and that is something that uses celebrity news as a way to get into a really serious analysis of our culture. The Kardashians are walking clickbait-but let's look closer. Do Kim and Kanye affect how society feels about interracial relationships and blended families? What does our obsession with Jennifer Lawrence say about third-wave feminism? Start with a headline that's superjuicy; a flashy, sexy picture. And then, after the first couple of lines, hit them with some really severe analysis. When they think they're getting dirt, we give them vegetables. Which is kind of what The Daily Show does already.
The world is ready for a more sophisticated TMZ. If there's one thing I've learned, it's that any dummy with a half-decent idea can become a billionaire. And hell, I've always wanted to become a media mogul. So allow me to introduce JMZ!
Thankfully I already have a mogul I can pattern myself after: Oprah. We're a lot alike. I'm black, I love to relate things people talk about to myself, and people think my best friend and I are lesbians! My strength is that I'm more relatable. Maybe I'm missing a shirt button, maybe I have a food stain on my pants. People would grow to find that endearing. (Take that, Mom! I don't need to 'clean myself up' to keep a job!)
Another thing that I can learn from Oprah: She always puts herself on the cover of her magazine. Oprah picking vegetables, Oprah reading at the beach. I'm going to do that, but in every post. It'll be right up at the top. Let's not forget who's running this piece, who brought you here.
But first I have to get the word out. I'm thinking I'll begin at New York landmarks-Times Square, Port Authority bus terminal-and just start grabbing people's phones and taking pictures of myself, then texting their friends the photo with a note that says, 'For more, go to JMZ.com.' That's how you spread the word.
I'm going to need to staff up. But we're in the middle of a media bubble, so I'll have to offer some competitive benefits. Day care. Doggy day care. Elderly day care. Elderly doggy day care. We'll have an on-campus Starbucks and a Jamba Juice. Story time with Morgan Freeman. Monthly karaoke with Beyoncé. And I hear freezing eggs is cool now, so we would definitely offer that. That's the minimum that comes with being a Willy. (That's my new name for being a member of J-Willy's team at JMZ. You like it?)
But exemplary work will be rewarded. I won't be around to personally encourage my staff, because I'll be out traveling the world, taking selfies. Or trying to get out of my bed made of money. But employees of the month will get to FaceTime with me. If they've been really good, I'll let them and two of their friends skinny-dip in my swimming pool filled with doubloons. Not for too long, though. They'll get like three minutes? Three and a half? You've got to be really careful. Believe it or not, there are a lot of things that can go wrong in a doubloon pool.
I've already got my tagline picked out: Willy Believe That Happened? Like, Will You Believe That Happened? That's how all those celebrity news sites work anyway. Would you believe she wore that dress out in public? And then the reader clicks through and gets the answer. 'Yeah. I believe it. This is in the realm of possibility.' Every time.
Watch a clip of Jessica Williams on The Daily Show.